There is no doubt that having children affects everything about your life. Subtle (and some more obvious) shifts in you, your relationship and your routine can all lead to flash points between you and your partner.

Whether that's an inability to have a productive conversation or a growing number of situations that trigger arguments, there may come a point where you realise you can't stop fighting.

Not only does it add more stress on top of an already taut atmosphere - especially if you feel you have to walk on egg shells - but it can affect your children.

There's no guaranteed way to stop constant fighting - but if you're looking for how to stop fighting in relationship, we've got some answers for you - along with some suggestions for how to have productive conversations before you get to couples therapy.

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The cycle of fighting in relationships

You may recognise the cyclical nature of any fighting in a relationship you've had. There's an all out, intense argument in which you lose all perspective, followed a few hours or days later by a (passionate) reconciliation.

You may find yourself arguing over the same things, with increasingly shorter periods between them. When this happens, you're adding another chink into the armour of your relationship.

This isn't a healthy way to deal with conflict, as it sets the wrong tone for what causes the triggers in the first place. Couples caught in this cycle will rarely be able to stop arguing unless they confront the deeper issues that have arisen.

Why do couples fight when they have kids?

There is a vast amount of change when a child arrives. Both parents may suffer from a lack of sleep, changing responsibilities, financial worries. One or both partners may feel hurt from a perceived shift in the balance of the relationship.

This shift is entirely natural - one parent (usually the mother) will have to take time off to care for the baby. The problem lies in the changes that occur as a result. Expectations change. Both parents may have hurt feelings as they both feel they're working hard to provide for the family - something that is true on both sides.

Perhaps the tiredness and frustration builds up, because couples forget to talk to each other. Or when they do, conversations become arguments in which hurtful things are said.

It's also worth considering expectation vs reality. There are a large number of preconceptions made before a child enters your life that are generally upended when the reality of having a kid knocks down the front door and screams for days on end.

Perhaps one partner believes the other should be working harder, doing more with household chores, or feels resentful because the kids have more attention than they do. Resentment builds and unless addressed - it becomes hard to avoid arguments. And there's a real danger of it impacting your child(ren), too.

It's important to focus on tackling the issues that may have arisen between you and your partner, in order to help fix your family unit.

Is it normal to argue in a relationship everyday?

Having a clash and venting over something that has been bugging you is a totally normal thing to do. In fact, it could even be helpful. The difference is if you're constantly fighting.

We remain individuals, even inside of a relationship - but once we have children, our needs and self can disappear. Sometimes we struggle to feel heard.

Arguing with your partner every day - however small - is not a healthy existence and could suggest that there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. This could either be by couple's therapy, or a self-help approach.

7 ways to work towards a healthy relationship

There are fun ways of keeping your relationship strong and happy, but if you're looking to stop small arguments breaking into bigger ones - there are specific strategies you can try to get a combat conflict and boost your communication skills with your partner.

1. Argue effectively with your partner

Disagreements will likely always happen, but it's easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment. Arguments can be done in a constructive, healthy way.

• Don't turn every disagreement into an argument. Pick your battles.
• When you do argue, don't turn it into a mud-slinging game and bring up past wrongs. Argue only about the topic at hand.
• Avoid hurtful comments. Keep the arguments factual.
• Practice active listening. Make sure to hear what is being said so you can respond appropriately.
• Use "I" statements. Don't blame your partner's behaviour - rely instead on your own experience. This will help prevent them reacting defensively.
• Should you feel in danger of exploding, practice 'the pause' and take a break.
• Practice empathy - this will help you understand your partner's perspective.
• An argument should be about finding compromise. Don't try to be 'right'. You need to find middle ground.

If you've got to the point where every little thing is causing you to fight then you almost certainly have a real problem to tackle and need to see therapist for professional help.

2. Practice 'The Pause'

This technique is often suggested to prevent escalation in an argument. When you sense yourself beginning to get angry, press a virtual pause button and take yourself to a metaphorical quiet space.

• Recognise your triggers - Understanding what sets off your anger is key to tackling it.

• Pause before reaction - Rather than snapping back, take a moment, breathe, and consider what you actually want to say.

• Reflect on what you want to say - Think about what you're about to talk about. Will it be helpful or stoke fires?

• Respond constructively - If you think you will make hurtful comments, choose to take more time to rephrase.

• Speak when calm - Come back to the discussion when you have control over your emotions and have calmed down.

Following these steps can be hard - especially in the heat of the moment - but if you both agree to focus on improving your relationship, stopping to think about your words and potentially turning minor issues into bigger problems, can help resolve conflict and improve your relationship.

If your partner doesn't want to calm down and have the conversation later, try acknowledging their feelings. Let them know you want to talk about their issues but would rather do it rationally. Communicate that you're only pausing to enable a more constructive conversation, not because you're avoiding the conversation.

3. Don't worry about being right

Most fights are based on a desire to be 'right', and 'win' the argument. This doesn't help resolve any issues that cause the argument, nor does it offer you a better understanding.

As Dr Lee Baucom says in 'Save The Marriage, "Arguing is two people with two different points of view, vying to be right... there are no winners".

To improve your chances of getting a better grasp on core issues and finding common ground, it's important to forget about 'being right' and focus instead on 'why'.

Lara Besbrode of 'The Matchmaker UK' agrees, "Instead of dwelling on the problem and fighting to “win” the argument, focus on finding solutions together. Work as a team to address issues and make positive changes in your relationship."

It can be difficult to think about the other person in those moments, but you were

4. Don't relive the past

One of the most dangerous traps to fall into is recalling past arguments; picking a fight because of previous issues and not listening about the present.

Using historical anger in the midst of a present argument prevent the issues at hand being resolved, resurfaces old feelings and builds resentment.

It can also prolong arguing over a situation that has long past.

5. Have a productive conversation

Fighting in a relationship is a normal thing to do, but it can mitigated by having a conversation in which you both talk, and listen, about something that is niggling you.

Listening to your partner is one of the most healthy ways you can build a better relationship. Having an open and honest discussion, for example about the fact your partner rarely tidies up after themselves, o that your in laws are becoming increasing influential in your family unit, allows you to head off problems before they turn into a fight.

When you do communicate, make sure it's in factual statements, rather than with emotional outbursts.

Lara from Matchmaker suggests you should, "Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to discuss any issues or concerns before they escalate into full-blown arguments."

When you first started dating, it's likely you spend ages talking into the night - one regular activity you could do is bring back these deep conversations.

6. See things from your partner's perspective

Seeing your partner as the 'whole person' can be a refreshing change to how you approach your relationship. Seeing things from a different perspective shouldn't put you in the 'wrong' and it may slow the frequency of arguments.

Understanding where emotions come from come can be an excellent way of preventing fighting and arguments between partners. Acknowledging that they are the sum of their parts - and not just the target of your ire can help avoid arguments.

It's also worth thinking that you and your partner have needs, hobbies and interests outside of your relationship and the family unit. Perhaps their needs aren't being met. For example you might have one night a week where you go to the gym, and one for book club. Do they have the equivalent. One of the most important aspects of relationships is the ability to compromise and ensure equality.

7. Try a relationship programme

Before getting to the point of seeing a therapist, it might be worth purchasing a self-help course to help your understanding of the situation and reframe your anger and frustration. There are several out there to help guide you and help your relationship.

These guides can be useful as they usually contain tangible actions you and your partner can undertake.

The best relationship programmes

We've reviewed a couple of these marriage programmes - and they can make a significant different in overall relationship happiness. Many of them preach the same basic guidelines; listen to your partner, identify the core issues and suggest the reader can take the lead in tackling the fighting in a relationship.

Ideally, the end result of these programmes is to avoid arguments over little things, and even work as a viable alternative to couples therapy. In the long run, it's better to shake up the way you live your life, and make changes to both you and your relationship.

Otherwise you will continue to fight with your partner and have arguments over and over again.

Check out our in-depth head-to-head comparison of these marriage programmes here.

   1.    Mend the Marriage

Written by one of the leading voices in relationship counselling, Mend the Marriage is one of the leading self-help courses on how to bring your relationships back from the brink.

Offering a vast swathe of general tips to improve yourself and your marriage, Brad Browning's course suggests ways in which to help right the wrongs that have crept into your approach to yourself and your relationship.

Check out our in-depth review of Mend The Marriage here.

   2.    Save The Marriage

In ‘Save The Marriage’, Dr Lee Baucom, a marriage therapist of 22 years and author of 10 books, offers a slightly different take on the usual ‘marriage therapy approach.

He counsels that the traditional approach of encouraging better communication, while useful, doesn’t do enough to tackle the root of the problem. He proposes a step-by-step programme to shift the mentality in a marriage from ‘you and me’ to ‘us’. 

In the course of his process, you’ll learn how to become a better partner, rekindle that spark and …save the marriage. (He also offers a 60 day money-back guarantee).

Check out our in-depth review of Save The Marriage here.

   3.    Save My Marriage Today

Written by relationship experts Amy Waterman and Andrew Rusbatch, Save My Marriage Today is a course designed to help troubled relationships by providing suggestions and solutions for you to work on yourself. The premise is that you need to change in order to enact a change in your relationship and provide the platform for a new beginning.

Check our our full review of Save My Marriage Today here.