It's always a worthwhile exercise learning new things about each other, and new ways to keep things going in your relationship. You might feel your relationship needs a bit of a tune up, or perhaps you want to connect better with your partner... either way you may deal with challenges, and respond to issues in a very different manner to each other.
Our brains are wired in unique ways that means our approaches to life are wide and varied. It's what makes the day to day fascinating and helps us to tackle problems, create surprise and communicate effectively.
In the same vein, pastor Gary Chapman proposed the five type of love languages concept in 1992.
Based on the conversations he had with couples from his parish who sought his advice, he posited that we all have different ways in which we prefer showing and receiving love.
But let's start at the beginning.
Table Of Contents
Introduction to love languages
My initial thought when coming to this was, "surely French?"
It transpires that while French, along with Portuguese, Spanish, Italian and Romanian, are known as the Romance Languages, they're not what we're looking into here.
In Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages, he goes into more detail about what he identified.
Over the years, the concept (which has snow-balled since its initial release in the 90s, to the point where it's been on the New York Best Seller list since 2013) has been used as the basis for further discussions around how we communicate with each other.
What are love languages?
Love languages are simply a way of defining how we display and receive love, both from our romantic partners, friends and even our parents. Anyone we have a close enough relationship with that we care about their feelings will have a preferred way of how they express and receive affection.
Love languages can help you get your relationship back
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Gary Chapman's theory suggests there are five different love languages. We all have a primary love language, and a secondary love language. These encompass our values and inherently link to our feelings of being valued and cared for in daily life by our loved ones.
Your love language will be different from other's love languages - and understanding what means the most to you and those closest to you can determine the best way for you to express love, and ultimately, make life easier and more fulfilling for everyone!
The five types of love languages
1. Words of Affirmation
The first love language we'll look at it 'Words of affirmation'. This focuses on expressing love and affection through what is said (much like we talk about in our book A Daily Dose of Confidence for Kids). People who value this love language respond well to verbal praise, encouragement or appreciation. Acknowledging their good deeds, congratulating them on their successes or even just a comment about their looks, can boost their self-esteem and make them feel appreciated.
Types of things you could say:
- Thank you for...
- I love you
- I'm very impressed with your work on...
- You're very good at...
- You've got this
It's not just about the "I love yous", it's an overall feeling of appreciation!
2. Quality Time
The second love language is 'Quality time'. This language is based on giving the person you're with your undivided attention. Put your phone down, turn away from screens and undertake meaningful activities - whether that's something you both enjoy, or just a nice glass of wine and a chat.
Your presence is precisely what they're after, and nothing more. Your undivided attention and some focused time on them, not on anything else. This includes eye contact, which can really help deepen the connection.
When spending quality time together could entail:
- Meaningful conversations are very important to this love language; have a heart-to-heart and open up. Here are some deep questions you could use
- Share an activity that one of your is passionate about
- Talk about your favourite memories of your time together or when you first met
- Go for a walk together
- Grab a drink at a cafe and watch the world go by
3. Receiving Gifts
Receiving gifts may sound like it's a purely selfish love language. "Hey Mr 'Words of affirmation', can you get me a new piece of jewellery please?", but it's more about thoughtful gifts. People who resonate with this love language care more about the thought and effort that has gone into the buying of the gift, rather than the gift itself. They don't have to cost the earth as long as they're considered and meaningful.
To someone with this love language, receiving gifts is an act of love.
Types of gift and what they mean:
- Special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries mean a huge amount to this love language
- Buying something your partner has mentioned a lot (something they can't afford, can't justify spending on, or don't know how to get)
- Thoughtful surprises and random gift giving ('I saw this and thought of you')
- Taken them out and other acts of unexpected generosity
4. Acts of Service
Along the similar lines as gifts, acts of service are based upon the concept of just doing nice things for your partner to help make them feel loved and appreciated.
This could include doing chores for them, offering to run errands, or letting them put their feet up. Think 'you've had a bad day so let me do x'.
People whose love languages are service based are the opposite of the words of affirmation type - actions speak louder than words for them.
Acts of service could include:
- Doing your partner's chores when they're tired
- Running an errand for them
- Doing tasks before you're asked
- Taking over a chore or task they don't like
5. Physical Touch
The final love language is 'physical touch'. This is pretty much what is says. People with this love language tend to be touchy-feely, and the act of physical affection provides the affirmation they need. This could be as simple as holding hands, a hug, or even just a gentle touch on the arm. You do need to make sure it's appropriate physical touch...
Physical actions that could increase intimacy:
- Holding hands
- A close hug or embrace
- Massages
- Foot rub
- Snuggling on the sofa
Understanding your primary love language
Now you know what the five love languages are, how do you identify which one means the most to you? Do you have a primary love language and a secondary one? We all receive love differently.
A simple way is to take an online quiz - there are several out there- but it's usually easy enough to understand which love language speaks to you.
Identifying your emotional needs
You can start by identifying your emotional needs. Out of the five different ways mentioned above, do you feel more loved when your friend/partner expresses their love in a certain way?
Do you find yourself melting when someone bigs you up, or does the prospect of a hug make you feel closer to a person?
Applying love languages in relationships
In a similar way to the Myers-Briggs tests - understanding how someone works, and what makes them tick, can be hugely beneficial if you're trying to keep your relationship strong and happy, or rebuilding trust. Paying attention to other's love language can show that you care, that you're aware of their likes and dislikes and can help generate closer bonds when you spend time together.
Improving communication and intimacy
Working out a person's love language can even be a fun activity to do together.
We tend to give love in the same way we'd like to receive love. This doesn't always mean we're on the same page. Once you know what your primary love language is, it can meaningfully and positively affect your relationships.
Chapman calls this "one of the simplest ways" to improve your relationships. A deeper, more meaningful way of engaging with each other.
To begin with, speaking your partner's love language can take a bit of an effort - especially if you're someone whose love language is the different, or the opposite, of your partners.
If you're someone who loves physical contact, but your partner is more amenable to kind words, you may have some compromising and shifting in attitudes to cater to that. Eventually though, especially if your partner helps, you'll both be speaking each other fluently!
It's worth mentioning that the love languages are on a spectrum. You might resonate with all five languages, or feel slightly differently in all of your relationships. There's no right or wrong way to express love - just a differing understanding and appreciation.
Overcoming challenges and misconceptions
Some people use love languages as a compatibility measure, and while there is something to be said for helping get to grips with whether you can work with someone whose love language is the opposite of yours, it really shouldn't be seen as a definitive answer to whether a relationship will work or not.
In essence it's about understanding what makes someone feel loved. They aren't a fix-all, and won't create a healthy relationship or act as a fix-all in a relationship that is on rocky ground.
Understanding the five love languages, from acts of service to gift giver, will give you an additional tool to help improve your all your relationships - from your partners, to friends, parents and children.
Highlighting your own love language will also help you communicate to your loved ones how you prefer to give and receive love. Being able to vocalise that you want to spend quality time with them, or have an increased level of physical touch can help when we feel disconnected.
Further examples of love language theory
The work that Gary Chapman started 30-odd years ago has moved on from just focusing on your partner's love language. Thanks to this grounding, there are now several extensions based on his love languages concept.
Personality website, Truity, suggested increasing the five love languages to seven, based on their research of over 500,000 people. Gary Chapman himself has written books exploring other love languages, including 'The Give Love Languages of our Children', The Five love languages: Singles editions' and 'The Five Love languages of Apology'. There's even a military edition, aimed at spouses and relationships which can be hard due to an increased level of loneliness.
FAQs
What are the five love languages?
The five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
Each of the languages appreciates the specific mentioned action, more than others. They're used as a method of improving communication in a relationship.
How accurate are love languages?
There's little scientific research behind the love languages - but as with other popular psychological concepts - it's generally up to you as to how to interpret. Don't use them as a measure of relationship compatibility, but do use them to improve communication. What the love languages is offer a framework for engaging in your relationships more effectively.
