Having children can put an enormous strain on even the most healthy relationships.
Most people go from loving, romantic relationships to a life as a new family, which often contains a whole load of stress and whole lack of sleep. Even if you have nine months to get used to the idea of how your relationship is going to change as you embark on raising a baby, it can be a huge shock to the system.
You might be coming to this guide a few years into marriage and your lives as parents, having forgotten how keep your relationship romantic. Or, you might be coming to us during pregnancy, hoping to get ahead of the game and keep your relationship strong going into life as parents, hoping to avoid Googling 'how to save my marriage' in a few years. Indeed, spending time, quality time with your partner before your baby arrives is a big part of maintaining a strong relationship.
But what exactly does quality time together look like when you're knee deep in nappies and creams, and milk and baby food, and school runs and packed lunches, and after school clubs and coping with a sibling rivalry?!
Don't worry, we've got some simple ideas to help you maintain a happy relationship, even with the everyday stresses and strains of being parents.
Table Of Contents
How having children strains even strong relationships
First, though, let's take a look at exactly why it's so difficult to maintain a healthy relationship as parents.
According to Martin Kowal of the Institute of Psychology at the University of Wrocław, who led an international survey of married parents: "Not only is raising children-time consuming and tiring, it is also related to a frequent exposure to stressors...With a growing number of children, a number of stressors grow alike. Even if partners are fulfilled as parents, their relational wellbeing may be threatened due to parental distress."
In fact, there is a direction correlation between a higher number of children and a lower marital satisfaction. However, it appears mothers experience a much steeper decline in marital satisfaction compared to fathers.
Your attention is elsewhere
A natural part of becoming parents is that so much of your attention rightly has to be given to your child(ren), especially when they're babies. It's difficult to adapt, seeing your partner constantly giving their attention and love to someone else (even if that someone else is your own child) and knowing that you're no longer the most important person in your partner's life.
Sleep deprivation
This is perhaps one of the more obvious ones. You're both so unbelievably tired that you don't have the energy to do anything other than what you must do for your baby. You're too tired to talk, you're too tired be show physical affection, you're too tired to snuggle up on the sofa together.
In fact, if your baby is a particularly poor sleeper, many parents find that don't actually spend that much time together because they're taking it in turns to sleep and get some rest.
Communication decreases
In the early stages of parenthood, a lot of parents find that their communication becomes 'transactional' or 'instructive'. Because they're caring for their baby, their conversations become information-driven. 'The baby spit up', 'the baby needs a nappy change', 'where's the baby's blanket?', 'Could you grab a bottle for me, please?'.
You find you have fewer and fewer 'real' conversations about life, and that can be tricky to find again. You start to question whether or not what you're about to say is interesting, given how tired and stressed you both are.
Postpartum depression takes hold
Postpartum depression is something both mums and dads go through, and it can have a significant impact on your relationship. It wreaks havoc with your emotions and your ability to cope on a day-to-day basis.
Different parenting styles
This is something that causes a lot of conflict in parental relationships. One partner values one style of parenting, and thinks things should be done one way, while the other has a different set of values, and thinks they should be done another way. While it's okay to have certain differences in your parenting styles, it's important to respect the other's, but also compromise to find common ground. Trying to raise kids with two totally different styles, and refusing to budge, is only going to lead to more stress.
Resentment and jealousy
Believe it or not, these are are feelings a lot of parents experience. It's more common among new parents in the newborn stage, but some parents who have older children can also experience it when their relationship is already strained.
When you see your partner coping wonderfully while you're struggling, or perhaps they're getting a full night sleep while you deal with the latest crying episode in the night, or maybe your child just wants to be with them, it's easy for feelings of jealousy and resentment to creep in.
Less sex
For many people, physical affection sex is a hugely important part of building and maintaining a healthy and committed relationship. In the first few weeks and months after birth, sex is likely to be the last thing on either of your minds - and sex after birth can be an awkward conversation to have. On the one hand, you want to show your partner that you're still physically attracted to them, but you also don't want them to feel pressured into it too early.
Even the months and years after, sex can be difficult for parents. Whether it's finding the time, or just having the energy to do it, having less sex is often a contributing factor in couples drifting apart.
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33 Ways to Rebuild Your Relationship When You Have Kids
10 ways to keep your relationship strong after having kids
Now we know how having children can impact a healthy relationship, it's time to look at the different ways you can help to stay connected with your partner, and keep your relationship in a strong, happy and healthy place.
Make date night a regular occurrence
All too often, parents realise they've lost a little bit of spark from their relationship and they realise they need to go out on a date. They enjoy themselves, things seem great, and then they forget to do it again for ages.
Try to make date night a regular part of your routine. Naturally this will depend on how old your children are and the support you have around you for babysitting duties.
But date night doesn't have to be a lavish night out where you get all dressed up - it can be anything you want. Take my date nights, for example...
"Despite being well out of the newborn phase (our children are six and three-years old), my wife and I rarely had date nights. We'd go out for food on birthdays and anniversaries, but not a whole lot in between.
"We recently decided to have a date night every last Friday of the month. We each take it in turns to plan it, it can be anything - going out for food or staying in and cooking a new recipe together, trying a new activity or doing something we've done before.
The emphases isn't really on what we do, it's more doing something together and giving each other our full focus and attention."
The debate around travelling without children has also heated up in recent years. It's something my wife and I did a few years ago, never having done a sun holiday together and recognising it was probably our only chance to do so.
I remember a friend sharing something on Instagram a couple of years ago, suggesting parents should have a night away every two weeks, a weekend away every two months, and a week away every two years. Whatever you think about those timescales, it shows that the idea of having time away from your kids is perhaps much more common than it was in previous generations.
Be honest
Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. And being honest about your feelings is a great way of maintaining that strong relationship. Some people are guilty of thinking 'they've known me long enough now, they should be able to figure out what's wrong'.
But when there's so much going hard, hormones are everywhere, you're tired, you're questioning whether or not you're a good parent and so on, it's often really, really difficult to tell what your partner is thinking. The best way to keep your relationship strong is to be honest with each other, regardless of whether it's something big like parenting differences or something tiny and irrelevant.
DaddiLife founder, Han-Son Lee, says:
"Great communication! It's all got to start there to be honest. Without that, the ideas for what to do dissipates into insignificance. People grow and change, and that's where great communication is even more important."
Show affection in front of the kids
This is particularly important when you have toddlers and school-age children who are vying for your attention all the time.
Being affectionate - holding hands on a family walk, snuggling up on the sofa, kissing each other - around your children will help them to understand that while you're Mummy and Daddy, you're also two people who love each other. This will go at least some way giving you some space and understanding to be a loving couple around the house, not just when the kids are out or asleep.
Don't forget 'me time'
Although spending time together is vital to keep your relationship strong, it's also important to recognise that you are your own person. You're not just Mum and Dad, you're not just husband and wife. You are two individuals who have their own interests and hobbies. Having space from each other to enjoy the things you love is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship.
Turn off the tech
A lot of households are experiencing a phenomenon called 'phubbing'. Whether it's a fancy date night or a run of the mill evening after the kids have gone to bed, spend time together without technology third wheeling in your relationship.
Doing away with the distraction that is technology - phones, tablets, laptops, TVs, you name it - will help you focus on each other and hold eye contact while you're talking. That eye contact and focus will help to strengthen the romantic connection between you.
Don't text during the day
Depending on your jobs, it's very easy message each other throughout the day, asking how their day is going, updating them on your day, etc. But a lot of couples find that, when they do that, there's suddenly not a great deal to talk about at the end of the day.
Having those conversations in person after work will not only strengthen your connection, but also lead to other conversations. Before you know it, you've spent your whole evening chatting away about a dozen different topics.
Accept arguments
Some people think that argument are a sign of a weak relationship. But they're inevitable, especially when you have children. It's impossible not to spend your life with someone and not fall out from time to time. Naturally, having children is likely to intensify those arguments or squabbles, especially in the early months.
And actually, it's the way the respond and resolve those arguments that will keep your relationship strong. Assigning blame or getting het up about little things isn't going to help anyone. Talking honestly, showing respect for one another, and listening to each others feelings are the signs of a healthy relationship.
Support your partner
Whether they're struggling to get the baby to sleep, getting frustrated with a toddler refusing to eat their food for the hundredth time, or stressed out at work, showing support for your partner is vital. The support you can offer will always depend on the circumstances, but you're more likely to feel a closer, intimate bond with someone if you know they're there for you no matter the situation.
Make time for sex
As we already know, if you want to keep your relationship strong, sex is probably going to be a big part of it. A lot of mums struggle with confidence after having a baby - even years later, they may struggle to accept their post-baby body and question whether or not you find them attractive anymore.
As difficult as it can be, try to spend time in the bedroom together but without putting pressure on yourselves. Show each other that you still desire each other. Some people even go as far as scheduling their sex - just like date nights, they might schedule sex once a week on a Wednesday night, so that both partners know it's time to go to bed early and have some fun. Scheduling it isn't for everybody, but if you struggle to make time regularly, it can help you stay connected.
Small acts of kindness and affection
Despite the every day mayhem of raising children, it can go a long way to find the small moments to make an effort and show kindness and affection. Helping out with a task (or even taking it off their hands completely!), a simple 'you look lovely today', or even a genuine and considered 'thank you' for something they've just done for you - it may not seem a lot, but over time it will add up and contribute to keeping the relationship strong.
FAQs
How do I talk to my partner about keeping your relationship fresh?
Relationships thrive on honesty. Without it, you don't have any real hope of maintaining a strong and happy relationship. Talking openly and honestly about how you're feeling is a vital part of part of it all. And remember, talking about how to keep your relationship strong is not a sign that your relationship is not in a good place.
How often should we have a date night?
There's no right or wrong answer, here. It's totally dependant on your circumstances. Talk to your partner about how regularly you might be able to have a date night and find a timeframe that works for you and your circumstances.
I'm worried having a baby will ruin our relationship. Should we avoid having children?
It's perfectly reasonable to have read all this and come to the conclusion that having children is going to ruin your relationship. Some would perhaps suggest that if you're concerned about your relationship at this stage, it's not in the best place to have a baby. However, working on your relationship in advance will go some way to providing a solid foundation to prepare you for having children.
