Save The Marriage: Review

Being in a long-term relationship can be hard. The longer you’re together, the more the little things can begin to get you. 

You've tried to keep the relationship strong and happy, but all your effort has still led you to googling 'marriage help'. As a result, the ‘relationship saving’ industry is in rude health. 

There are tonnes of resources; websites, books, counsellors… and a lot relatively cheap books by marriage and relationship specialists.

We've already reviewed the 'Save My Marriage Today' programme, but what about the competition. How do other marriage programmes measure up?

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Overview

When you purchase (for £41 at the time of writing) the ‘Save The Marriage’ you get the core 17-chapter book, as well as another four PDFs and four audiobooks, all offering to help save your marriage. The book offers a variety of advice over the 159 pages, encouraging you to takes specific steps in order to proactively shift the way you interact with your partner, and think about how you perceive and approach your relationship as a whole.

For example, one chapter explains that we all have paradigms - our own world view - which has three levels. Understanding that, and how our individual world views have been shaped (and that we all think our view is right)  can make a large difference in how we approach each other.

Intertwined amongst the reading is a set of exercises to proactively engage with. These vary between tick-box activities - after an explanation of anger as a defence mechanism, you’re invited to “remember that when your spouse responds to you angrily, this isn’t the primary emotion” - and move towards that emotion.

There is a nice summary in which it is hoped that the book will have led to some shifts in your understanding about your relationship - and an acknowledgment that it will still take time for the relationship to change

Who is it for?

The book, and programme, have been written for one half of a couple who are in trouble. By purchasing this set of help literature, you’re proactively engaging with the problem and starting down a path to solve it. It’s aimed at couples where it feels like the spark has gone.

The USP is that it provides a way to ‘save the marriage’, even if you only you (one half of the couple) want it. 

You can of course share it with your other half - if you’re both committed to helping a rocky relationship back onto course, it’s useful to both be on the same page (something Dr Lee advocates). 

Ultimately, it has useful areas to put into practice and conversations and techniques you can apply which may shift your own thinking. This in turn may makes difference to your situation as a whole.

How it works

Quite simply, you read the book and then put into practice what is suggested within. The additional pdfs and audio files are useful, extra-curricular listening for if the main ‘Save my marriage’ book doesn’t work.

Our dad's experience

Our dad wished to remain anonymous...

It’s always fascinating reading books like this, because much of the information is sensible, therapy-based techniques that would help you in day-to-day life, let alone when your relationship is in trouble.

The author points out that most martial issues arise because once you settle into day-to-day life, focusing on the marriage - your relationship - tends to be ranked third or fourth in priority. It’s easy to take your partner for granted. 

While I enjoyed the empathetic style of the book, sometimes the examples did get a little wearing. But he does make good points and presents good examples of how to ‘flip the script’ - for example with money worries, the usual thought process is one of freedom vs security. One allows fun, the other prevents worry. Most couples tend to fall somewhere on that spectrum and have a disconnect. He suggests looking at money as a tool, rather than an end. It enables personal growth. 

This is something that we’ve struggled with for various reasons over the past few years, and being able to look at it differently has begun to benefit our daily relationship.

Highlights

The Save The Marriage course has reputedly helped over 82,000 couples navigate their marriages back onto safe ground. But how?

Easy to read

It’s 17 chapters feel about the right length to get stuck into - rather than feeling an onset of dread. It’s a book that feels a worthy one, and as each chapter will leave you thinking, it’s not too insurmountable to read again once you’ve got your head round it. 

The exercises

Learning works better when you’re required to engage with the material, and it’s not different here. Thanks to the periodic exercises, the messages within the text are better embedded in the reader’s consciousness.

Additional material

As well as the main book, you get four additional material - a sort of ‘crib notes’ version of the main document called ‘Down ‘n’dirty’ which uses a Q&A format to create a plan for the saving of the marriage, a report on dealing with anger and resentment, the top 5 things not to do if your partner wants to leave, and a ‘quick start guide’ for if you don’t have time to read before you get going. They’re not all necessarily relevant, but it’s nice to have the options. 

Audio

The audio you also get; ‘how to recover from an affair’ ‘midlife marriage’ and ‘5 rule for fair fighting’ are nice extras. It does feel like a complete set of tools.

Problems

As a UK customer, going through a purchase process with a litany of US-style ‘hard sell’ tactics; lots of hyperbole, continual upsell. Not to mention that even after you’ve bought it you have to be careful to actually click the right link to just get the guides you’ve paid for....It feels tricky.

You’re unlikely to get the ‘free’ coaching session if you’re outside of the U.S, which isn't a deal-breaker but it's a shame for the non-US customers to lose a small part of the offering. They do say they'll try to accommodate. 

My browser initially thought the documents were malicious and refused to download them.

Verdict

Courses like this offer useful insights into human behaviour. Often, when things aren’t working it’s because of ingrained behaviour and patterns that we can’t shift. Books like this can offer a chance to look at our lives through a different lens, allowing us to change course.

One potential problem with books like this is that they can feel like they’re preying on desperation - especially with the ‘DIY’ sub-text. 

If you’re in a position where you’re looking for wise-words, this isn’t a bad way to spend £40 ($47) to shift your thinking and maybe, hopefully, start to change things. How well it works, will depend entirely on your situation.

Effectiveness

It has put 82,000 relationships in a better place, and even our tester said that their relationship was in a better place afterwards. Your level will depend on your situation. 

Ease of use

It’s well-written, easy to follow and understand and contains useful and effective exercises to back it all up.

Value for money

£40 gets you 10 pieces of literature. It does seem a bit pricey if you’re only after the main book - but compared to counselling sessions or the alternatives, it’s great value.

Key features

It’s fairly similar to many other marriage self-help courses out there, and nothing really sets it apart. Having said that, the audio offerings you get are quite neat.

Online buzz

The course has been around for nearly 25 years, Dr Lee Baucom is a well-known figure in the relationships space and it shows, with this course ranking very highly and lots of discussion around it.