After two years, you're feeling pretty confident that you've got this whole 'being a dad' thing nailed.
You've settled into your family routine and everyone's feeling good. And then it comes. Sometimes slowly, creeping like a demon in the night, giving you the feeling something is getting closer but you don't know what. Sometimes quickly, like the sudden slam of a door that sends your heart rate through the roof.
After two years of relative bliss with a sweet baby who brings joy and laughter into your life every day, your child becomes a monster.
The terrible twos.
We've all heard of it. But what exactly are the terrible twos? And how on earth do manage them? Over the course of this guide, we'll be drawing on the experience of dads who have been through the terrible twos and come out the other side!
Table Of Contents
What are the terrible twos?
Before we get into the thick of it, it's important to understand that the terrible twos are a normal part of child development in the 24-36 month window. They are something most children will go through around this age.
Related: Your Child's Development: 24-26 Months Milestones
They can start as early as 18 months of age, and may last beyond your child's third birthday, which has sparked the term 'threenager'. You're not going to like this, but the phase lasts as long as four years in some children.
The phase is often identified by a sudden rise in temper tantrums and challenging behaviours. A temper tantrum may be triggered by the most minor of things, adding to the frustration you feel as a parent trying to deal with it.
There are typically two main reasons why the terrible twos manifest in a child;
Independence: Your child's sense of independence is growing all the time and they want to understand the limits of that independence. This often results in defiant behaviour.
Struggling to express themselves: Your child may not understand their emotions, or may not have the ability to express how they're feeling. That can lead to a great deal of frustration.
What are the terrible twos not?
It's important to recognise that the unruly behaviour exhibited during the terrible twos are not 'bad behaviour', in the traditional sense.
Yes, we might characterise it as 'bad behaviour' because it's not desirable behaviour. But it's not an indicator that your child is 'naughty'. Remember, it's a normal phase of child development.
Signs of the terrible twos
We tend to think of the terrible twos as more childhood temper tantrums and a broad decline in good behaviour. But there are a few different things to look out for.
Tantrums: It doesn't have to be a full-on meltdown to be considered a tantrum. It could also be persistent mild whining or complaining. Typically tantrums tend to last fewer than five minutes, although more serious ones can take longer.
New responses: You may notice your child exhibiting new behaviours like throwing objects in frustration, crying hysterically, or screaming at the top of their voice. They may also
Mood swings: Sudden mood swings are common among two years olds. Everything could be calm and quiet one minute with your child being very clingy. And the next minute, they're on the verge of the biggest tantrum you've ever seen.
Defiance: You'll likely notice a significant increase in your child saying "no" when asked to do something. As we explained above, your child isn't 'being naughty', they're testing the boundaries of their independence.
How to deal with the terrible twos and temper tantrums
Managing the negative behaviours of the terrible twos phase are arguably the biggest challenge you will face in your parenting journey so far.
Here are 10 ways to tackle the temper tantrums and mood swings.
1. Establish clear boundaries
The is perhaps a pre-cursor method, because it's something you should be trying to do in day-to-day life.
Establishing clear boundaries will help your child to understand where the line is. The earlier a child learns where those boundaries are, the less likely they are to fall into a full blown tantrum.
2. Use simple and clear instructions
Try to remember your child's age. It's something that's easy to forget as parents. So be sure to use really simple and clear instructions to help them understand exactly what you want from them.
3. Remain calm
This one can be really tough. You've had a hard day at work, you're tired, you've come home looking forward to seeing your child, and they flat out refuse to listen to anything you ask them to do.
There are both short-term and long-term benefits to being able to remain calm in frustrating situations like this. In the short-term, you're more likely to deescalate the situation rather than escalate it. In the long-term, your child will learn from your behaviour; better understanding to stay calm themselves when they are angry or frustrated.
4. Shift the focus
If your child is refusing to listen and follow your instructions, you can either stick with it and escalate the confrontation...or, you can shift focus away from it.
Micah, who has a four-year old and two-year old, explains how he did it:
"When my son was in the terrible twos, my daughter started not listening as well. Getting ready for bed was a common trigger point - they'd both refuse to get changed, I'd get frustrated and it would all reach boiling point.
"One evening, I said 'let's see how fast you can get into your pyjamas. I'll time you', They both raced upstairs without complaint and got changed faster and ever before - and there was no argument!"
5. Continue to show affection
Many parents assume they need to stand firm and strict when their toddlers are having a temper tantrum. The assumption being 'they shouldn't expect to get a hug when they're not behaving'.
However, a hug may be the only thing your child needs to calm them down. Remember, they're still learning to understand their emotions and a hug from their mum or dad will help them to understand that how they're feeling is okay.
Gareth, a single dad to three children, explains:
"I cannot begin to express how many tantrums I've cut short or even avoided altogether because I've offered my kids a cuddle.
"It's such an over-looked way of tackling the terrible twos, especially when you talk about their feelings as well. There's no use hugging them and not talking about it all."
6. Listen
Your child probably doesn't have the language skills required to express how they're feeling. And a tantrum is their way of communicating that they're unhappy with something. Your child's development may not have even reached a point where they even understand their emotions, let alone be able to communicate them.
So try to understand the situation from their point of view, and try to help them understand their own feelings.
Rory, dad of two, recalls:
"We always used to have tantrums as I was leaving for work at a time when I working long hours on a project for a couple of months.
"When I asked why son why he was getting so upset when I was trying to leave the house, he said he didn't want me to go to work. It broke my heart and it made me realise that, in his mind, having a tantrum kept me at home longer."
7. Give choices
It's important not to give into your child's demands simply to bring an end to the tantrum - this will teach them that a tantrum is the way to get what they want.
However, giving your child choices helps them to feel part of the decision, it feeds their growing sense of independence. It gives them a sense of ownership over what is happening, even if you skew the choices to ensure they do exactly what you want them to...!
Make sure you're clear on what the consequences are if they choose the option you don't want them to do. For example:
"It's time for lunch..."
"No, I don't want it."
"Okay, you've got two choices. Whatever you want to do is fine. You can either eat your food nicely and have a snack a little later. Or, you don't have to eat your food if you don't want to - but you won't have snack time later and you'll be very hungry."
"Okay I'll eat my food."
8. Remove yourself from the situation (if needed)
It's understandable that your frustration grows the longer a temper tantrum goes on. In fact, you may become angry if it descends into a full blown meltdown.
If you feel yourself getting angry, it's best to remove yourself from the situation as long as your child is safe. A lot of parents leave the room, count to 10 and take a deep breath in order to compose themselves.
Jon, from the DaddiLife, team, says:
"My wife and I agreed to always step in and take over if the other one asked for it, or if we felt the other needed it.
"We both used 'leave the room, deep breaths, count to 10' quite a lot with our son."
9. Use time-outs (if needed)
Before time-out, we had the 'naughty step'. But that implied that a child was being naughty and reinforced negative behaviour. The idea of time-out was to remove a child from a situation to quietly and calmly reflect on their behaviour.
Now, some might argue that time-out has become a de-facto naughty step rather than keeping to its intended purpose. So, if you do need to use time-out, be careful of your vocabulary and tone of voice to reinforce your child that it's a place to calm down rather than the next stage of punishment.
10. Be consistent
Consistency is absolutely key when your child misbehaves. Consistency helps your child to understand the boundaries and expectations around how to behave.
And it's especially important between parents. Would you expect your child to listen if you're saying one thing and your partner is saying another? Some parents fall into a natural 'good cop/bad cop' dynamic - however, consider what message that sends to your child when they're exhibiting less desirable behaviour.
Managing aggressive behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is one of the common signs of the terrible twos, including hitting, biting, or kicking. And, as a parent, it's extremely difficult to manage. Here are some tips to help you get through it:
Never retaliate - Hopefully you're already aware that it is never okay to hit (or kick, or bite) a child. Some parents will encourage their other child(ren) to retaliate, using the logic that 'they won't do it again if it happens to them'. However, all this does is teach all your children that violence and aggression is an acceptable response.
Disprove of the action, not your child - Some children struggle to understand the difference between their parents criticising their actions and criticising them. Focus your disapproval on the consequence of their action rather than them as a person . E.g. Rather than saying 'you're a naughty girl for kicking Daddy', say 'It really hurt me when you kicked my leg'.
There's a fantastic episode of Bluey on this exact topic called 'Bad Mood'. Check it out!
Give them an outlet to express themselves - What do you do to let off steam when you're angry? Some people scream into a pillow, some go for a run or hit the gym. Your child also needs an outlet to let off steam when they're angry.
Supporting your child's emotional development
As we've explained, the terrible twos are a normal developmental phase, largely caused by growing independence and a struggling to understand emotions.
Supporting your child's emotional development could be a valuable tool in helping to minimise the affects of the terrible twos.
It's important not just to talk about feelings with your child, but also validate them when they're frustrated or having a tantrum. If we enforce the message that a child is being "silly" for even "naughty" for experiencing certain emotions, it's going to create a lot of self doubt in their mind and they will have less control over their emotions as they grow up.
Try to practice different techniques with your child to help them calm down and regulate their emotions. Think about the tactics you use to calm down during a tantrum... leaving the situation, deep breathing, counting etc.
Look after yourself
It's important not to lose sight of your own stress levels and mental health when trying to deal with the terrible twos.
The terrible twos can put huge amounts of stress of you as a parent, and carrying stress can impact your ability to manage tantrums. It can be a vicious cycle.
The importance of looking after your own health and wellbeing should not be underestimated.
Make time for yourself for your own exercise and hobbies
Focus on getting the right amount of good quality sleep
Eat a healthy, balanced diet
Utilise your support network; for advice and/or a break. Speak to other parents who've been through it before, call on family or friends to babysit for the night
Be mindful of your relationship
Becoming parents takes a huge toll on a couple's relationship. You no longer have the time or energy to focus on your relationship because you're so focused on raising a child (and figuring out how to do that) and balancing everything else going on in your life.
Then the terrible twos come along and add even more tension and friction into the house. The higher stress and tiredness levels might leave you with even less time and energy to focus on your relationship, and you may find yourselves arguing or bickering a lot more.
And that's even if you're united on how to tackle the terrible twos. If you're not agreed, and you're tackling them in totally different ways, it can lead to a lot of resentment.
When to seek help
One of the biggest challenges in dealing with the terrible twos is understanding what's 'normal' and what isn't. Is it the terrible twos or is it a wider issue with your child's development? Some parents may play down wider issues on the belief that it's 'just the terrible twos', while other parents may overreact to the terrible twos, believing there's something 'wrong' with their child.
So how do you know when to seek help?
The simple answer is to always contact your child's doctor if you are concerned. It's better to be safe than sorry.
However, there are some indicators. You should contact your child's doctor if you child's behaviour is:
Interfering with their sleeping habits
Interfering with eating
Causing issues at their childcare setting
Particularly aggressive during tantrums
exhibiting extreme behaviours
FAQs
When do the terrible twos happen?
As the name suggest, the terrible twos typically happen when a child is two-years old. However, they can start as early as 18 months and last beyond their third birthday.
How long do the terrible twos last?
Every child is different and there's no exact science on how long the terrible twos will last. Some children may start around 18-months and last for three or four years. Other children may only exhibit that type of behaviour for a few short months.
What is a 'threenager'?
A 'threenager' is a three-year old child exhibiting behaviour associated with the terrible twos.
What's the most important thing when dealing with a temper tantrum?
There are a number of important factors in tackling a temper tantrum. Arguably, the most important one is also the most difficult - to remain calm. If you get angry it does two things. In the short-term it escalates the situation. And in the long-term, it teaches your child that the way to deal with confrontation is to get angry and shouty.
