The perfect relationship doesn't exist but we can all strive to achieve a healthy relationship.
Relationships can be tough, even at the best of times. A combination of a natural focus on your child(ren) and sleep deprivation makes it even harder.
However, there's no reason why you can't build and maintain a healthy relationship with your partner when you have children. In fact, many couples are turning to some of the leading online marriage programmes in a bid to actively maintain a healthy relationship, rather than a reactive last-ditch attempt to fix their relationship.
First, what does a healthy relationship look like?
Table Of Contents
Why having children impacts healthy relationships
Studies show that new mothers experience a sudden decline in relationship satisfaction, whereas new fathers experience a more gradual one.
In fact, that trend only continues as you have more children. According to the University of Wroclaw, the more children you have, the less likely you are to feel happy in your relationship.
And it's for a myriad of reasons.
- Sleep deprivation - This is the most obvious one when you're new parents. You're too tired for just about anything and everything
- Communication - Communication naturally focuses on your child and becomes instructive
- Jealousy - Maybe not child wants to spend more time with your partner, or your partner is coping with parenting much better than you
- Less sex - It can take a long, long time to get back to your pre-baby sex life. And some couples never get it back
- Parenting styles - Different parenting styles can inevitably lead to conflict and relationship problems, especially when you're tired and not communicating effectively
- Finances - For most couples, having a baby puts a strain on their finances due to low maternity pay. Stress over money can naturally lead to conflict in the relationship
Rachel Childs, founder of Parents That Work, says:
"In the chaos and delight of starting a family, its easy for your child to take centre stage and be the focal point of your attention. Have you considered that it's your relationship that’s the beating heart of your family? Remembering to keep investing in yourself and your relationship creates a positive environment for your children, a stronger foundation for an equal parenting partnership and helps you stay connected."
Of course, some of the bigger issues listed, like communication, sleep deprivation and less sex are fairly restricted to becoming parents. As your children get older, you should start to see those things improve. You get better sleep, you have more time and energy for physical intimacy, and there's less need for instructive conversations. But, they can lead to more serious issues if not addressed.
Six things all healthy relationships have
Every relationship is different, which means the specifics of what a healthy relationship looks like will be different to different people - especially when we consider different love languages.
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However, there are certain factors that underpin all healthy relationships*. Let's take a look.
1. Good communication
Honest and open communication is a key component of any strong relationship. It provides a solid foundation from which to build on. Without good communication, we cannot hope to build healthier relationships.
Healthy communication helps us to express our own feelings in a way that shows respect to our partner and avoids criticising them. Equally, it ensures that they feel heard, too. While it's almost impossible to eliminate all conflict from a good relationship, strong communication can definitely reduce issues from arising, but also (and perhaps more importantly) help you to resolve conflict in a positive way.
2. Trust
Trust is something we often earn and establish in a new relationship. And it's commonly the breaking or losing of trust that leads to the breakdown of so many relationships.
We typically think of it as trust that your partner will be honest and faithful to you. However, it extends beyond infidelity. We need to trust that our partner will respect our boundaries and individual interests, and vice versa. We need to trust that our partner has our best interests at heart.
If the trust in your relationship has been broken, don't worry. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship. There are plenty of ways to rebuild trust in a relationship!
3. Healthy boundaries
We tend to think of relationships as a single entity. It can be easy to feel a need to spend all your time with your partner, especially when there are intense feelings early on in the relationship. However, there is growing awareness that everyone needs to be able to express their own individuality.
Having healthy boundaries means not only respecting your partner's individuality, their hobbies and interests outside of your relationship, but encouraging your partner to pursue them.
This becomes even more important when you have children, with so many parents feeling like they lose a lot of their identity after having children.
4. Gratitude
When we express gratitude for each other, we are showing appreciation for each other as people and the things we do. It helps us to build mutual trust and respect, thereby fostering healthy relationships.
How often do we hear of one partner not feeling appreciated in a relationship? That they're taken for granted... it's easy to assume that our gratitude goes without saying. But it really does need to be said, especially at a time when we're so much more aware of mental health problems.
5. Intimacy
Intimate relationships are often healthy relationships. And we don't just mean those who have an active sex life. Physical and emotional intimacy are equally important for maintaining a healthy relationship.
When we prioritise physical intimacy and affection, it helps to strengthen the emotional connection between us. And that stronger emotional bond typically helps in other aspects of keeping our relationship healthy. A deeper bond fosters more respect, more trust, more gratitude and greater respect for each other's differences.
It's also important that you can show affection in front of your children. Not only does it enable you to give your relationship time and attention during the chaos of day-to-day life, it helps to show your children what a strong relationship looks like; to teach them how to be affectionate and caring towards your partner.
If your relationship is struggle for intimacy, try out 30-day intimacy challenge for parents!
6. Mutual respect
Respect is arguably the most important component of a healthy relationship.
That's because it underpins everything else. Relationships are about give and take. It means respecting each other's needs and treating each other as equals. If one partner does not respect the other partner, you will never have a healthy relationship.
7. Small acts of kindness
Rachel Childs says "it's the small everyday actions that help to keep you feeling connected, and reduce conflict."
Here are her six favourite ways to show your partner small acts of kindness every day:
- Say thank you for the small things
- Find 20 minutes to hear about each other’s day
- LIsten to really hear the other person, without offering a solution
- Respond willingly to a bid for attention, affection, conversation, empathy or support
- Give your partner a compliment
- Be grateful. Acknowledge something your partner has done for you
Other factors that keep a relationship healthy when you have kids
Healthy conflict resolution
Conflict is a natural part of life. It's impossible to go through life never disagreeing with or upsetting one another. Although you might be on the same page for most things, it's not always going to happen.
In fact, some people believe that conflict is a good sign in a relationship - or, rather, the ability to resolve conflict in a positive way.
Healthy relationships resolve their problems in a constructive way. They talk openly and honestly about the issues, avoid personal attacks or laying blame at one another. They agree to move forward towards a solution, rather than holding onto grudges, resentment or previous disputes.
Like showing intimacy, it's important for your children that they can see their parents resolve conflicts in a calm, constructive way, rather than resorting to shouting, blaming and name calling.
Spend time together
Spending time with one another is such an undervalued element of a healthy relationship when you have children. But day-to-day life gets in the way and it can be hard to find time to focus on your relationship
If you don't spend time in the other's company, you can't possibly expect to build or maintain that deep connection. It allows you have conversations that aren't about the kids, it allows you the space and freedom to be yourselves, it gives you opportunity to show more physical affection.
Prioritising health
We are becoming increasingly aware of just how much physical health and mental health issues impact on a healthy relationship. And therefore, prioritising each other's health is becoming more and more important in healthy relationships.
Between you, you should recognise when one partner's mental health and wellbeing needs to be prioritised - whether it's work-related stress, anxiety, or postpartum depression.
How to maintain a healthy relationship
It's all well and good understanding what a healthy, long-term relationship looks like, but it's important that you know how to get to that point.
Check out our guide on how to keep your relationship strong and happy when you have children for more ideas and information!
Do all healthy relationships survive?
We sometimes fall into the trap of assuming that problematic relationships are the ones that fail, and building a healthy relationship is the perfect scenario that will leave us happy for the rest of our lives.
And while most relationships will survive and thrive while they're in a good place, unfortunately, it's not always the case.
For example, you may have a strong relationship but you and your partner just want different things. Perhaps you want settle down and lay your roots in a community, but your partner's career goals have changed and they want a job that will require you to move away or have them travelling all the time. Or maybe you desperately want another child but your partner is adamant they're not willing to have another one.
In these situations, you both need to think carefully about which is more important to you and whether or not you're willing to make a compromise in order to save your relationship.
Signs your relationship isn't worth saving
Although we can always strive to build (or rebuild) and maintain a healthy relationship. It's equally important that we can recognise when to leave a relationship, which can be incredibly difficult when there are children involved.
It's worth considering the seven stages of a dying marriage (or relationship), too.
FAQs
How do you maintain a healthy relationship when you have kids?
The biggest factor is arguably spending time with one another because that's area of every relationship that is hit hardest when you have children. It's that lack of time (and energy) to focus on your relationship, to show each other physical affection, to be a couple.
If you can put more effort into your relationship, simply by spending more time together, you should start to see the benefits in other areas.
How do I know if my relationship is unhealthy?
There are other factors, but perhaps the easiest method is to consider the key components of a healthy marriage. If your relationship doesn't have these - you don't trust or respect each other, you don't communicate well, you don't have healthy boundaries, you don't show gratitude to one another, there's no physical intimacy - you probably don't have a healthy relationship.
Can a marriage programme help us maintain a healthy relationship?
Yes! Marriage programmes are a cheaper, 'at-home' alternative to couples therapy or marriage counselling. Historically, couples view couples therapy as a 'last resort' to save their marriage or relationship. But there is increasing awareness that relationship programmes can be used in order to maintain a strong relationship rather than save a troubled one.
