All romantic relationships have their ups and downs, and having a strong and happy relationship means having to navigate those issues, especially when you have children together.

But what happens when the deep connection fades and the constant disagreements take over?

If and when to leave a relationship is almost always a difficult decision, but that decision is amplified when you're married and have children.

Of course, you want to advocate trying everything you can to stop fighting and save your marriage (or relationship if you're not married..), but how do you know when it's time realise your true feelings and call it a day on a bad relationship?

We look at the signs that suggest it's time to leave a relationship when there are children involved.

How do I know if my relationship is worth saving?

Knowing when to leave a relationship is incredibly tough, and often requires a lot of soul searching.

Conflict is a regular part of a healthy relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean you have a bad relationship. But the difficulty is understanding when those conflicts cross the line from a normal part of loving relationships into bad relationships that are beyond repair. You have children together and may well have promised to spend your life together.

It's important to first identify if you have something worth saving.

Your issues are contextual

A lot of relationships experience issues caused by external or contextual factors. For example, financial problems, work-place stress, sleep deprivation, mental or physical health problems, and more could all contribute to relationship issues at one time or another.

However, these are usually short-term and can be addressed with communication.

You haven't communicated your concerns

We can't expect our relationships to improve if we don't give them the opportunity to. We need talk openly with our partner about the issues so that we can take the necessary steps to improve them.

One partner might be blissfully unaware of the problems in the relationship. They can't work on moving forward if they don't know the problems are there.

You haven't tried to save you marriage

Talking about your feelings and issues are one thing, but taking action to repair your relationship is another.

You and your partner should work together to try everything you can to improve your relationship before calling it quits.

It might be spending quality time together in an attempt to rekindle your emotional bond, it might be relationship counselling, or it might be an at-home marriage programme.

You both want to work things out

Sometimes you can be at the end of your tether, recognising a lot of the warning signs that you're in a bad relationship, and yet you look into each others eyes and feel a burning motivation to fix things. Because despite the problems, you still love each other and want a future together.

At this point, any work and effort required to address the problems in your relationship feel inconsequential compared to a lifetime as a happy family.

Should parents stay in unhealthy relationships for the kids?

For years there was a school of thought that unhappy parents should stay together, to maintain a family unit for the children. However, over time, more and more people are recognising that forcing children to live in a household where their parents are so deeply unhappy can cause more harm than good.

Now, the consensus is that children are much more likely to grow up happy and free from mental health issues if they see their parents happy and thriving, even if they are doing it apart.

Lara Besbrode, founder of The Matchmaker UK, says: "Many people choose to stay in a relationship because of children, believing that maintaining the family unit is in the children's best interest. However, this decision can be detrimental to both parents and children in the long run. Staying together solely for the sake of the children can result in wasted time and energy, perpetuating an unhealthy dynamic that ultimately affects everyone involved.

"Ultimately, the decision to leave a relationship when you have children is deeply personal and should be made with careful consideration of your own well-being and the well-being of your children. It's essential to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals as you navigate this challenging process."

9 key warning signs you should leave your relationship

You might be reading this feeling that you've tried everything you can to improve things, but you're still unsure of what to do. Here are nine things that will help you know when to leave a relationship.

It's important to recognise that these factors shouldn't be taken in isolation or as gospel. Just because one of these things apply to your relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's a clear indication that it's time to leave a relationship.

Only you can determine if your issues are damaging your well-being and if your relationship is worth saving. 

1. You don't communicate

Communication is such a fundamentally vital component of a committed relationship. Without being open and honest with each other, we can never hope to build or maintain a healthy relationship that empowers both partners to be happy individually and as a couple.

When you have stopped communicating, you've probably noticed a breakdown in other areas of your relationship. In fact, you may not even be aware that you're in different places in your relationship. And this may be a sign it's time to leave a relationship.

2. You're in different places

You may well have gone into this relationship with the same life goals in mind. Perhaps you wanted to walk the same life paths; start a family and live somewhere quiet, working just to pay the bills as your purpose becomes your children's happiness.

But people change and your goals may no longer align. Perhaps one partner wants more satisfaction in their career and needs to move to a big city to chase their dreams.

Some people may even be in an otherwise healthy marriage or relationship, but the desire for something different in life is burning so strong that it can leave you with irreconcilable differences.

You might just be in different places in your lives that leave you drifting apart. In this case, it's about figuring out which is more important to you, your relationship or your own needs. In certain situations, one partner may even be feeling trapped by the relationship.

3. You don't feel valued

This is something a lot of women, and especially mums, experience. Although more and more dads are taking an active role in the upbringing and day-to-day of their children, the reality is that mums are still carrying the bulk of the mental load of running a household.

However, many dads report feeling a general lack of respect, too, especially when it comes to parenting - they often feel their partner sees them as a secondary partner, and her word/decision on the kids is more important.

Relationships are built on mutual respect. Feeling taken for granted or that you're not respected or appreciated for what you do on a daily basis is a root cause of many relationship problems. If you've had engaging conversations about these issues and you still don't feel that your partner values you, this could be when to leave a relationship.

4. There's no physical intimacy

Sex and physical intimacy is a very important part of maintaining a meaningful connection between romantic partners. Having children can certainly affect that - a lot of couple find that their sex drive, or the opportunity to be intimate greatly reduces when they have children. As a result, it affects the physical and emotional bond you share. That's understandable and something a lot of parents experience.

However, if you've tried to address the problem and spend more quality time together, but there's still no physical intimacy, it could be a sign that the physical attraction between you is no longer there.

5. You've lost the emotional bond

Some couples recognise that their physical connection with diminish somewhat over the years but remain committed to each other because their emotional connection remains strong. Experiencing an emotional disconnect can be very difficult, but it's not necessarily a permanent thing.

However, if you've tried your hardest to revive and reignite it, it may be time to leave a relationship.

6. You've tried to improve things

Many people believe that couples give up on their relationship far too easily these days, the idea that a range of different factors encourage us to give up rather than dig deep during relationship trouble.

However, if your partner is aware that you're unhappy, you've both been open and honest about your feelings, you've worked to save your relationship, and there's still ongoing conflict and other underlying issues, that could be the sign you need to end things.

Some couples seek support in the form of couples therapy but this can be costly. Instead there are a growing number of at-home relationship programmes available, designed to give you to knowledge and tools you need to work on your relationship.

Check out our comparison of the best relationship programmes.

7. Your core values are different

This is something that is particularly pertinent for parents. Although you may have spoken about parenting styles during pregnancy, things can change when you're in the reality of parenthood. You may find that you totally disagree your partner's parenting style - perhaps they're overly strict or shout a lot.

It's very difficult to function and maintain a healthy relationship when your core values are so wildly different.

8. You don't want to fix things

Sometimes relationships can breakdown in a mutual, amicable way. Both partners feel comfortable separating knowing that they've tried everything they can to make it work. However, there are naturally scenarios only one person wants to leave a relationship. The other partner still loves them and wants to make it work, but the reality is that you might have simply had enough.

If you find your not feeling motivated to repair your relationship, it's definitely not worth saving.

9. You're in an abusive relationship

Whether it's physical abuse or emotional abuse, it's something you cannot ignore. However, the question of 'when to leave a relationship' is still applicable in a relationship where abuse is present because you have to consider your safety and the safety of your children.

The signs of an abusive relationship

Until fairly recently, when we heard of abusive relationships we would typically think of domestic violence or sexual abuse. However, there is growing awareness that abuse extends beyond the physical.

The problem is that they are much harder to recognise. They are often quite subtle and hard to spot - in fact, many people fail to recognise they're being abused, even if a concerned loved one or best friend raises the issue.

And in many cases, because these things are excused by the victim because they don't realise they're being abused.

Emotional abuse

Signs of emotional abuse include:

• Name calling, or critical language
• Jealousy, particularly when it comes to spending time with friends or family
• Monitoring you, including demanding to know where you are, who you're with and what you're doing
• Violence (or threat of violence) on household objects
• Attempts to control your appearance
• Gaslighting - trivialising your needs or feelings, questioning your memory, pretending to understand your feelings, making you feel guilty for issues, giving the silent treatment after a small argument
• Accusing you of cheating, or cheating themselves and blaming you
  
  

Financial abuse

Signs of financial abuse include:

• Monitoring your purchases, including demanding receipts or bank statements

• Demanding access to your bank accounts

• Giving you an 'allowance' to spend

• Withdrawing money from the children's savings account without your knowledge or consent

• Refusing to pay for shared household expenses like childcare, clothing, utility bills, rent etc.

• Stopping you from working or limiting the hours you work, or forcing you to work a certain type of job
  
  

Digital abuse

Digital abuse is often a combination of emotional and financial abuse, just carried out in the online or digital world. This includes things such as:

• Monitoring your social media profiles and/or who you follow or are friends with

• Demanding access to various accounts, particularly social media

• Posting insulting or humiliating messages or photos of you on social media

• Constantly messaging you, especially you're with other people

• Sending or demand explicit unsolicited images or videos

• Reading your messages and monitoring phone records

Signs of toxic relationships

Realising you're in a toxic relationship is another reason to leave a relationship. But what are they and how do they differ from abusive relationships?

Toxic and abusive relationships are not the same, although there are similarities. Abuse is an extreme form of toxicity. In its simplest form, toxic relationships leave one partner (although it can be both) feeling unsupported, disrespected or manipulated.

You don't feel emotionally safe and/or you feel belittled

You don't feel you can be honest or open with your partner about how you're feeling. This is usually because you don't believe they will respect your opinion or acknowledge your feelings. They may not even make you feel stupid or ashamed of yourself.

You don't communicate

Sometimes we expect our partners to do something, assuming they should know. And when they fail to meet expectations, we can start to judge and resent them.

Other forms of bad communication in a toxic relationship might be lying, gaslighting, or manipulating language.

You've lost yourself

This is really hard to identify on your own, so it's important to give your friends and family permission to speak openly about you. You might find that you're constantly doing things to please your partner, even ignoring your core values, or causing you to feel anxious. Toxic people are super focused on their own wants, needs and feelings that they ignore those of their partner.

Judgement is the default

When a relationship is toxic, one partner might default to judging even the smallest of things the other does, rather than seeking to understand. For example, if your partner likes to stay up a little later than you, you might say 'You need to come to bed earlier!' rather than asking 'Why don't you come to bed earlier?'.

You're not empowered

You feel a power imbalance in your relationship, usually tilted in their favour. You're not a partnership of equals. You a worried that following your dreams or doing something you like will upset your partner.

They're often frustrated

You may find your partner always seems to be frustrated by something, or perhaps when they do get angry they explode in a fit of rage.

FAQs

Is it ever too late to leave a relationship?

Absolutely not. It's never too late to leave a relationship if it's causing you to be miserable or not empowering you to be the best you can be, even if you have children together.

What is a red flag?

'Red flags' have become an increasingly popular term when discussing relationships and when to leave a relationship, especially among younger generations and social media. A red flag is something that should highlight danger in your relationship. For example, demanding to know where you are or who you're spending time with is a sign of emotional abuse and, therefore, is a red flag.

However, the term's surge in popularity on social media has seen is trivialised somewhat, instead being used to describe something a person doesn't want in a partner. For example, someone in a video on social media might describe 'not having a six figure job' by a certain age as a red flag. Or, it can get really trivial, like 'putting milk in their tea before the water'.

What's the difference between toxic relationships and relationship problems?

Relationship issues are normal, and to be expected. It's almost impossible to go through life with one person and not have issues. However, when these issues persist over long periods of time they develop into toxicity, especially when they leave one partner feeling disrespected, manipulated or ashamed. In more extreme cases, this becomes abuse.