Whether you were a die-hard fan of the Harry Potter books, or watched the Harry Potter movies before reading the books, many of us grew up with Harry Potter.
And now, we're passing on that love to our children.
If you're a dad who loves embarrassing his kids with brilliantly corny dad jokes, and your children love Harry Potter, with such a detailed and expansive world at our finger tips, there's absolutely no shortage of funny Harry Potter jokes you can Slytherin to conversation with the kids. We're dead Sirius!
We've got a whole collection of hilarious Harry Potter puns, jokes and one-liners that would have even the Dark Lord snorting out of his flat nose!
Table Of Contents
Funny Harry Potter jokes
These Harry Potter jokes are the very best Harry Potter jokes you'll find. The Quidditch captain of Harry Potter jokes. The Head Boy/Girl of Harry Potter Jokes. The Tri-Wizard Champion of Harry Potter jokes.
In this section you'll find out everything from why Barty Crouch Jr stopped drinking, to why Mad-Eye Moody is a such a bad professor, and what you call an electrocuted Dark Lord... and those are just in the first 10 jokes!
1. Why can't Harry tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?
Because they're both cauldron!
2. Why does Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you never know which side he's on!
3. How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
He uses quit-itch...
4. Why did Barty Crouch Jr quit drinking?
It was making him Moody!
5. Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
He can't control his pupils!
6. Why does Hermione carry a time-turner with her everywhere she goes?
Because she's always running late for her Ron-dezvous!
7. What do you get when you cross the Harry Potter movies with the Batman movies?
"Why so Sirius?"
8. Why did the protons vote for Harry as class president?
They didn't want to elect Ron!
9. What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
Volt-demort.
10. How does Harry Potter enter a building?
Easy, he walks through a Gryffin-door!
11. How many Harry Potters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He just holds the bulb in place and the world revolves around him...
12. Why couldn't Harry find Hermione?
He was looking in all the Ron places!
13. What do you a Harry Potter fan riding a horse?
Harry Trotter.
14. Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook?
Because the Dark Lord has followers, not friends.
15. Why doesn't Snape teach Herbology?
Because he couldn't even keep his Lily alive...
16. Why doesn't Voldemort wear glasses?
Nobody nose!
17. Where can you find Dumbledore's army?
Up his sleeve-y!
18. Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
Because she gives him loads of hugs and hisses!
19. How do you get into a magical gym?
You just walk through the dumbbell door...
20. How did Harry Potter get caught speeding?
He didn't expect no patrol man!
21. What's the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?
One conjures spells and the other spells conjure!
22. Knock, knock!
Who's there?
You know!
You know who?
That's right. AVADA KEDAVRA!
23. What did Hermione do when Harry and Ron took the flying car to Hogwarts?
Finally relaxed!
24. Are you a dementor?
Because you just took my breath away...
25. Why did Snape give Harry Potter detention?
He was cursing in class!
26. How much did Harry pay to play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
27. Why do Slytherin students love Herbology?
Because classes are held in the green house!
28. How can you tell which wizards are pureblood?
They tell you!
29. What is Aragog's favourite day of the week?
Fly-day!
30. What do the Battle for Hogwarts and Black Friday at Diagon Alley have in common?
The Weasley twins are 50% off!
31. Why did Harry Potter make a great computer programmer?
Because he spoke Python!
32. What is Harry Potter's favourite type of drink?
Something gin-ey!
33. What do you call a house-elf in a hotel?
Dobby in a lobby!
34. Why does Neville need to use two cubicles in the bathroom?
Because he's a Longbottom...
35. What do you call Quidditch players who live together?
Broom mates!
36. What type of fuel does Harry Potter use in his car?
Expecto petrolium!
37. How does Harry Potter get to the bottom of a hill?
By walking. Jk, rolling!
38. How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them!
39. Why did the wizard cross the road?
"Crucio!"
40. Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason, but someone will write a 200-page fan fiction about it!
41. In a world of magic, what's the most unrealistic about Harry Potter?
A ginger having two friends.
42. What does Voldemort have in common with teenage girls?
A diary!
43. Why did Ron fall in love with Hermione?
Because he loves grangerous adventures!
44. Which social media app do Slytherins use?
Snapechat!
45. What does Harry Potter order at Starbucks?
Espresso Patronum!
46. Why did Harry Potter go to the mirror shop?
He wanted to reflect on his adventures...
47. What do Buckbeak and Professor Umbridge have in common?
They both got the chop!
48. Why has the Dark Lord never been on a rollercoaster?
He can't handle the nose-dives!
49. Why does Draco Malfoy have such bright hair?
He has his father's Lucius locks!
50. How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold it in place, and one to spin the room around.
Hilarious Harry Potter puns
Do you love Harry Potter puns? Because I do. And these Harry Potter jokes are puntastic!
51. What is Bigfoot's favorite book?
Hairy Potter!
52. What did Snape say to Harry after Professor Umbridge banned facial hair?
"You're hairy, Potter."
53. What drink does Severus Snape hate the most?
Jameson.
54. How do Death Eaters and Voldemort enter a building?
They Slytherin.
55. Do you like Harry Potter?
Because I a-Dumbledore you!
56. Did you see the new reality TV show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley Children?
It's called Orange is the New Black!
57. Is your name Oliver Wood?
Because you're a keeper!
58. How to Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With dementos.
59. Why did Harry throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hex piration date...
60. Did you survive Avada Kedavra?
Because you're drop-dead gorgeous!
61. Why did Ron love his rat so much?
Because it was the pet-he-grew-up with...
62. What is Hermione's favourite TV show?
Granger Things!
Funny Harry Potter one-liners
The one-liner is the foundation of comedy. And there's plenty of one-liners to add to this list of Harry Potter jokes.
63. Voldemort's parents took the 'I got your nose' game a bit too seriously.
64. A Hungarian Horntail and a Norwegian Ridgeback walk into a bar. The Horntail says, "It's hot in here!"...
...The Ridgeback snaps back, "Shut your mouth, then!"
65. I'd tell you a Hufflepuff joke...
...but I don't want to tell it three times!
66. I found the first few Harry Potter books quite light-hearted...
...but the fifth one was dead Sirius!
67. If a wizard is robbed by a muggle, were they...
... muggled?
68. My wife said I'm too obsessed with Harry Potter...
... I said, "That's riddikulus!"
69. If I were to rate my Harry Potter obsession out of 10, I'd say it was...
... nine and three quarters!
70. I don't think the Potter books are that good. The writing is really poor...
... take Nearly Headless Nick. He's such a poorly executed character!
71. Hermione became a mathematician when she grew up...
...she named her kids Hermitwo and Hermithree.
72. Hermione told Harry, "You're a great wizard!". Harry said, "Not as good as you!"...
... Hermione replied, "I said 'wizard', not 'witch'."
73. Snape: Voldemort is coming!!!
Dumbledore: Are you serious??
Snape: No, I'm Severus!
74. The bartender says, "We don't serve time-travellers in here"
Hermione walks into a bar, holding the Time Turner...
75. A wizard walks into a bar and orders a forgetfulness potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says...
..."So, do I come here often?"
76. Voldemort and Wormtail go bowling, Wormtail gets nine pins down. So Voldemort says...
..."Kill the spare!"
77. Harry: *breathes
Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor.
Dumbledor: 50 point to Gryffindor!
78. Voldemort: I'm here to kill your son...*struggles to open the baby gate
James: You need to push it down, then pull it back up
Voldemort: I am, it's not working.
Lily: You just have to wiggle it about a bit.
Voldemort: I AM WIGGLING!
79. Dumbledore always told Harry that he had one thing Voldemort didn't. Love. But all along there was something else
...a nose!
80. I'm trying to write fan fiction about Platform Nine and Three Quarters...
...But I keep hitting a wall!
