I’ve broken too many New Years resolutions to bother setting any for 2025. I have learnt from over a decade’s work in behaviour change that commitments alone rarely work. A big factor in whether you change is remembering what you wanted to do differently at the right moment. And when it comes to parenting, I have a trick that’s worked for me and many other dads too.
Ten years ago, I saw red at my kids. It was the classic trying to leave for the school and nursery run situation. They weren’t cooperating and I lost it. Properly out of control. Thankfully I didn’t go beyond shouting, but feeling so out of control scared me. I decided to do something about it.
I started talking to other dads and doing a lot of research and self-experimentation. I stole from my wife’s knowledge of child development and therapeutic parenting from a career in social work. I started writing a blog and other dads got in touch asking for help with their patience. That turned into workshops and talks in big companies. Ten years in, a book on patient parenting written and while I still mess up, I’m a lot better than I used to be. A lot. And so are the mums and dads I’ve helped.
The trick is really simple. Put a question, or statement as a reminder or event on your calendar so it appears on your phone lock screen. Whenever you look at your phone you see the question or statement. It nudges you in the direction you want to go, rather than the default path you’d otherwise be on. I’ve used many different questions over the years. I used to set them up as wallpaper, but now I find a calendar entry is easier. These are the best ones I’ve found over the years.
How many more of these do you have left with them?
The energy kids have can be magical. They can make you see the wonder in the world again when you’re with them. Now my kids are 13 and 15, time spent together can easily slip away with everyone doing their own thing. It takes effort to find things we all want to do and get the kids on board with it. It’s the same kind of effort I remember mustering when my little ones wanted me to do the same thing, over and over again. I’ve also discovered it’s the same kind of effort needed to stay calm when you feel like you’re going to lose your sh*t. The connection is so worth it though. Yesterday we all played a chase on the sand dunes then went to the pub and played cards. It was magical.
Sometimes making that effort is hard. But kids grow up fast. They’re only little once. I’ve got two years before my eldest is an ‘adult’, a year after that he might well move out for Uni. Reminding myself of just how little time I have with them makes that effort feel much smaller, because in the bigger picture, it is. That’s why having this question works so well.
Is it worth the fight?
This pearl of wisdom goes for every age. If toddlers really want to stop and look at the digger, and you’re not in a rush, why not? If your four-year old wants to wear that princess outfit to the shops, what’s wrong with letting him? If your teenager is still up at 11pm but they don’t have to be up early, why worry?
Out and about you will hear parents getting cross and frustrated at their kids for doing what kids do – making silly noises, bouncing around and climbing the wrong way up a slide. You’ll hear a lot of “STOP’s, No’s and don’t you dares” that never really needed uttering.
Battles cost us energy and frustration. Afterwards, we’re left needing to repair the relationship. We will have to fight many battles with our kids, so it’s worth picking the ones where the winnings are actually worth the cost.
I found this question worked best when I was going through a period of locking horns with my eldest. If you’re in that a phase like that, it might help you.
How am I going to connect with them?
Life’s pretty hectic. As adults, we tend to try and fit everything in, because that’s what we’ve learned to do at school and work. More, more, more. As adults, we can mostly cope with it too.
But kids haven’t learned that yet. They’re still learning more fundamental things, like how the world works, what their emotions are and how to manage them. What they’re learning changes at each age and stage of development, but they’re always learning a lot. To help them, one of the most important things they need is your attention and time. It’s so important that they’ll take your negative attention over none. This isn’t a conscious thought through on their part mind you. They don’t deliberately do things that make you angry at them, they do things so you pay attention to them, even if that means your angry attention.
You can avoid a lot of that by giving them your time and attention as you go along. Some kids will need more than others (and you’ll learn your child’s hotspots), but they all definitely need it. Even though my kids are teens, they still need our time and attention and increasing space to themselves too. If they aren’t getting enough of these, we certainly know about it.
Connecting with them so they have your time and attention doesn’t have to be a big thing. It can be as simple as a cuddle had, a joke shared, a conversation while you’re walking or driving to whatever’s next, which takes us onto the next question you could use.
Do they know what’s going to happen next?
For the last year, I’ve been building a shed. Progress is slow because life is busy and work, family and my book will always be higher priorities.
Over the last year, ‘measure twice, cut once’ is a phrase I’ve learned and relearned a lot. I’ve also learned that being well prepared works in family life too.
Yesterday over dinner my son asked about the weekend. This ‘what’s coming up in the future’ conversation is a regular one in our house — what’s going happen today, tomorrow, this week, weekend and next weekend.
We’ve found these regular ‘thinking ahead’ conversations mean we can factor in their preferences and make it clear when there are non-negotiables. They also mean fewer unexpected surprises for the kids that tend to trigger tantrums and the like.
Of course it doesn’t work with toddlers, who wanted their toast cut into triangles two seconds ago and now you’ve done it, their world has crumbled because the toast isn’t whole anymore. Their brains just haven’t developed enough yet to understand time and cause and effect. This is when wall charts help, days of the week with pictures and single words like Monday – Nursery, Tuesday – Mum, Wednesday – Dad etc.
Now like I said, ‘what’s next?’ is a daily conversation in our house. One that’s helped us avoid a fair few family flare ups. Which is good because what’s next can be a whole lot of fun if you make it so.
You’re not the voice in your head, you’re the one who listens to it
Alright, it’s not a question, it’s a lyric from a Mike Skinner song. But I find particularly poignant, so it does the same job.
One of the big differences between kids and adults is how fast kids move on from things. Us adults tend to get more stuck in the past, going over a moment in our heads again and again.
This repetition can help us learn from the past and do better in the future. But only if it’s done in a positive, reflective way. Unfortunately, the default setting for the voice in my head is the opposite. It talks to me in ways I’d never talk to anyone else – harsh, critical and shaming. So, I have to consciously choose not to listen to it, otherwise I find myself being berated. That lyric helps me remember to make that choice.
Hopefully one of those lines will help you make a few more good memories for the year to come. If you made a resolution to or not.
David Willans’s day job is in communications for sustainability, on the side he runs Being Dads, a thoughtful blog exploring what it means to be a good dad. His book, The Patient Parent, is available on Amazon.
